the middle...

so i spend a good portion of my day today... in yoga-land, as i like to refer to it. spreading out my little green acre of rubber solace, taking over the living room floor...and i start... sun salutations, vinyasas, arm-balancing, handstands... referencing various videos, books & journals... all for what you may ask? well.... for one, yes one, hour-and-a-half long class.. taught by yours' truly this evening. time spent preparing you say? well..... a while, let me just reply. money earned from said venture? best not to think about it. happy faces & warm words of gratitude received... not to mention echoes of my current favorite adjective "lovely" tossed in my direction... 3.
i look back on the months, years, hopes & dreams espoused in this, my meandering diatribe, and i think, wait! how did i get here? like the song... "this is not my beautiful house! this is not my beautiful wife!!!!" you start off with grand ideas on what, or who,you are to be in this great walk of life.. and sometimes you get thrown down a long loophole, or detour. my little prima-donna ego screams... I AM AN ARTIST DAMNIT!!! and yet...
sometimes we must takes these long roads... these winding & thoroughly unplanned journeys of the soul, travel all the boundaries of the great landscape of this body, this life, this peanut-glistening mind.... in order to find ourselves back in that gooiest of gooey centers.. the heart, and all its lovely wants, dreams & desires... yes, sometimes I think you must wander away for a moment, catch a clearer picture of that jewel you hold dear.. for me that role... that life - of the artist - theater, dance, music, the written word, what-have-you.. this is the dream that beckons to me again & again...Yoga Instructor.. never did I think those words might come to dominate my time, my thoughts, my life thus.. but maybe.. just maybe..
before you are able to fully walk back, swim if you must... and fully inhabit the spot in this universe which is truly, wholly, god-bless-it, mother-lovingly.. YOURS... you must acquaint yourself with the boundaries of this life... cultivate the quiet soil that surrounds you before you return, jubilant, rooted, ready... and plant yourself once more.. at the very center... of YouR LiFE.

...in the dark...

a wise word from my teacher this week.... sitting in a circle with this group of very healthy, very bright, very through-and-through yogic women.... we do cleanses, we meditate, we sign off e-mails with words like blessings & "with much light"... we can balance on our hands and chant to shiva....

and in the midst of this, knee-deep in some esoteric indic philosophy.. my teacher says this.... that we must sometimes journey into the darkness... settle there for a moment even.. for it is from the darkness that the light emerges...
if we are ever pushing towards this "light" - those heady feelings of bliss, connectedness, beauty, contentment, joy... we must also be willing to explore its counter as well... for how can one know bliss without sorrow? know the depth and boundlessness of human joy if we have not first met our deepest sadness... if one has not known pain, how can one then rejoice in that miraculous moment when, at last, the pain has lifted.. and the wound has healed...
and for someone such as myself... one who knows the weight of melancholy... this deep, lingering shadow, forever etched on the walls of the house in which i dwell.. any house... it doesn't matter.. for someone like me... so acquainted with the dark... like my own skin... these.. THESE... are the words..
i am so needing to hear.

bastante...

this morning iwoke up to one 'a those days.... the ground was tinged with fog and dampness from the night before. a chill seemed to penetrate the still, "summer" morning. i awoke with the knowledge of the tasks that lay before me - a yoga class i was, as of yet, unprepared to teach - plus a middle back so stiff from work and an oversoft mattress i doubted my ability to do much in that arena.. at all. friends, family, house, dogs, car..... the over-brimming bowl of neverending to-dos that seems to greet me 'round every waking turn.

i woke up with that overwhelming feeling that today - as i am - i'm simply not enough. i need a cuppa' coffee, screw it, i need seven! i need a team of helpers, little elves and willing gelflings who throng to do my bidding - and my laundry. I want so much. I want a life that is full & brimming - and I want to bask in this fullness always. And sometimes I do. gleefully, swimmingly - full.

and then there's those lonesome, foggy saturdays...

i love the word in spanish... "bastante"... there's a lilting, gracious quality that the english equivalent simply does not match. Bastante... the word means enough. as in, what you are, where you are, right here in this moment, all messy, tired, aching spine of you- is enough. you may not have everything you want nor desire in this current frame, but rest assured... bastante... there is just enough.. of everything you need.

i get so friggin' busy micro-managing my thoughts, my time, my life... i need to recognize the gift - of quiet, of still - of humble satiety - that awaits me - each time i can just release the reigns enough to listen... that sweet, melodic tune that greets me like the sound of a soft hammock swaying sweetly in the breeze... Bastante... be quiet. rest. you are just exactly where you ought to be.. no need to push, to struggle, to do... you are beautifully, mercifully - Enough.

the word of the day is....

Aparigraha. in sanskrit it means non-grasping, non-clinging. and if your cellular makeup resembles anything like mine - it's one of the hardest things to do. Ever. Let Go. Offer it up. Release it. As the song says, If you love something, then give it away. a beautiful refrain but oh, just what a thing to do... historically, any good thing that comes across my path... emotion, pulse, sensation.... person, place, thing... animal, mineral, vegetable... damnit - if it feels good i wanna hold onto that thing tight and not let go like my life depends upon it! laws of physics be damned! this good feeling's gonna last!!! and then... disaster... like everything within this sphere it goes... past.

and so, in finally beginning to come to terms with the whole "nature of impermanence" thing.. i've begun to offer up a new sort of prayer - my own little ripped-off version of the 12-step serenity verse - "god grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change... the courage to change the things i can... . etc" you know.. that one... tilting it just slightly till it reads somethinglike...

god, i thank you for this joyous, gleaming, gorgeous, brimming, mother-fucking ecstatic and beautiful moment! i know i can't live here all the time, that, in life, some shit, some where, is forever hitting the fan. but thank you, for allowing me this tiny glimpse of cosmic real esate. help me to remember that this exists, even when i'm face down in some pool of earthly sludge.

Mahalo. Amen. A hui hou.
thank you. and so it is. until we meet again......

...relishing the feel of face on floor....

ahhh, the sweet stench of failure!!! the all-enveloping caress of a job not well done. dissolving in an avalanche of self-administered rebukes & insults.

after several days lurking in my little hobbit hole, i find myself out there once again - standing on my mat in front of a room full of strangers - some warm, others,well, less so. hold your applause, bate thy breath as she stands before you now - attempting another round of her endless juggling act - ball one - attempt to say something stunning and original, enlightening, and real. ball two - observe as she fumbles to effortlessly guide a room full of variegated bodies thru a series of complex yet beautifully choreographed maneuvers and spiritual acrobatics. ball three - ahhh, screw it.

open mouth - insert foot. it's one of those moments you fear. you look around the room, and you know it - you've lost it - worse yet, them, you've lost them - a room full of people - staring blankly back at you - looking for guidance - peering - what next? and you go ahead - make one final attempt to pull up the creases of your mouth, a maniacal and last-ditch effort, open your arms, dive out into space - and fall. squarely. on your grinning, sheepish face.

man. that's just the thing. we try so hard to brace ourselves against failure - the sinking feeling that you've put yourself out there - attempted something formerly beyond your limits - and failed. what's worse, with a room full of witnesses to boot. but then you gotta wonder.... how far did anyone ever get just playing it safe? lounging, lazy & all too comfortable, splashing in the shallows of one's own life. who knows what waking horrors or delights lay just beyond the 3-foot line. you might find out the waters go much deeper than you ever dreamed, you may find yourself wriggling, @ times gasping for air... but then again... if you never leave the safety of your own small boat... how do you ever know the beauty of the ocean floor, the feel of salty waves on skin, and the brimming, endless joy... of swimming in that deep blue sea. nothing risked & nothing gained.

they say leap and the net will appear. but sometimes all that comes back up to greet you is a murky, muddy pool of your own stinky shit.even so.armed with my floaties & a steely-eyed grin... watch... as she attempts to do the impossible. once. more.

shakti, shakti, shakti...

...well, we did it. ask and you shall receive. 3 days of music & yoga with me and my man. leaving thursday morning with a lovely chest-rattling, pre-pneumatic cough... and coming off of 5 bleary days of bed rest, i was ready!!!! to be reborn, to be renewed... inspired... salvaged.. awakened.... split wide open... and so it seems, i have.

the recap: four nights ensconced in a little froo-froo mountain village, surrounded by tight-bodied yogis & high-on-ecstasy & wheatgrass yoginis. each one a bit more gentrified & ethereal than the last... i-phones in hand, eighty-dollar rubber mats at the ready... we're going to get fit, people! oh yeah, and enlightened, if we get to that too. my first thoughts on morning one is that this most assuredly is not the spot for me... too messy, a little too soft & jiggly in the spots i ought to be hard & sleek.... and yet..... if you can just stay open... listening... watchful... available... that which you seek... that which your heart is seeking, longing for... yearning quietly and endlessly toward... will meet you, overtake you, come. to. you.

one teacher put it best... stand in the center of your mat. your feet are grounded to the earth beneath you. arms reach up toward the sky. hands held outward. and from here you reach - up - out - toward - opening your entire self up - reaching toward your dreams... toward blessing.. toward life.. toward God... and then from there... pulling that energy back down toward you.... splay wide open the heart.. and just... RECEIVE.

Sorry, gentle reader, for the flowery, esoteric musings of this morning. it's simply just where my songbirds sing today.... more notes to come as i touch back down on terra firma soon.... and hopefully something you can scoop up, put in your pocket... and carry with you.. along the way...

choice.

surfing. choking down saltwater like a frat boy at an open bar, forever muscling my way thru the hilly sea of white that relentlessly assails me, paddling furiously just to stay in one place, watching as the ten-year-old girl to my left rides in on set-after-set, floating up to her feet as if she had wings.... and i'm here.. riding... barely... on my knees.... like a woman in supplication... a prayer....

and so it is. someone said once that you should do something every day that scares you. and for me this thing fits right in there. the ocean.. so grand and indiscriminate.... each time i suit up, reminding myself to breathe.. to quell the raging butterflies inside my chest. something i am so achingly, painstakingly bad at and yet.... i am reminded again.. that anything can be a teacher... an awakening.. an invocation.. if you can let it... realizing once again that happiness.. is a choice. not a destination. you can wait forever, hoping for that illusive emotion to overtake you. or you can choose.. to engage.. embrace.. this moment. and all it has to offer you... and so i find myself laughing, grinning, mirthfully spitting, snot emitting from my nose... as i jump onboard my little green boat once more... all right! let's do it again! i'm ready to play! thank you! thank you! big, beautiful stunning mystery... for revealing yourself to me.. once more...

it seems i spend my life chasing for answers.... when maybe, just maybe they're all just sitting there, waiting.. quietly shimmering... biding their time... until you're ready.. for one to appear...

what if...

well... tonight i went to this network marketing thing ( i know, i know...)... and while i found myself fairly turned off by the whole corporate mantra thing.... there was something else that struck me about this group.... just the sheer enthusiasm they all shared for this thing!!!! all rallied around one product, one culture, one unifying idea!!!! quick!!! we must spread the word of this magnificent product! put its decals and stickers all over our automobiles & invite all of our unsuspecting friends over to sample this amazing new.... (insert schtick here)!!!!
but it sorta' got me thinking. why is it so easy, so tempting to jump on the bandwagon of somebody else's "great idea" and yet so very hard to garner that same type of excitement for our very own? these people have invested time, money, relationships, what have you- into the promises staked on somebody else's dream - and co-opted it as their own. and it's given them hope! and some promise of a bright new... well.. who knows....

and here i am... and so many people i know.. bright.. gifted... passionate... and yet so often, so overwhelmed by the enormity of life.. or by the sheer variance of their own gifts & abilities, & the obstacles, perceived or no, that seemingly abound.. that they find themselves rooted to the spot.. unable to move left or right.. forward or back in the direction of their dreams.. but what would happen if we took this model - this infectious, almost cult-like enthusiasm for our own dreams.. our own ideas and secretly-held longings - and aired them to the world - pursued them with the same ruthless, joyous tenacity? what then? what would happen, indeed, to me, to any of us.. if we took one tenth of the energy we expend on all the other things in our lives - and devoted it to the quietly-held dreams that blooms within us? hmmm... what, i wonder.... what, indeed, would that look like????

they oughtta spell it......

GREAT-full. Yup. I'm waxing cheesy in this, my "old age". Just happy for the blessed contour of life. you ride the wave..sometimes to its very depths, its tumultuous bottoms.. and you stare at the bottom for a spell.. wondering when, if ever, you will come up for air.. return to the land of the living, the sun up above... the fresh air.. once more. and so you hold your breath, hunker down for another self-imposed purgatory.. and then... and then... it greets you once more.

LIFE. in all its glorious, beautiful bounty.. full of people and light and love and swirling, amassing potential.. and you are granted this place - amidst, among the swim of it all... so thank you.. Life.. Love.. Boundless, Uncontrollable Universe... for this lovely moment.. atop the spinning globe.....
Ahhhhh....

... and then....

my mother used to say.. "do what is right and you will feel right"... i.e. usually a response to overly-emotional me at a point where i was feeling down, tired, sad, adrift somewhere upon my very own melancholy sea - and her patience was, no doubt, arriving at its rather finite limits.
another favorite turn of phrase... "no one can make you feel bad, amy - unless you give them permission..." and here i find myself feeling, once again, bad, like i do in no other spot in the world but in my childhood home - all warm, cozy, comfortable and beautifully decorated. and i find, again and again, at the end of each return home, i am never more miserable than in this place. what does it to me, i wonder? old demons, once thought forgotten, now re-discovered, just dozing, waiting like savage kittens curled up on newly upholstered rugs, waiting to pounce - attack. i never feel so weighted down.. so completely futile & pent up...
it's true. this week is no ordinary visit. i have come down this weekend not for some forced familial merriment but rather to commemmorate the passing of my grandfather. he died a little over a week ago, a fact which i received by text. yesterday we gathered at his small church, sang hymns, shared stories and condolences and ate storebought cookies and speared bits of fruit on tiny paper plates. people, mostly those whom i have never met, shared wonderful stories and thought about my grampa - papa - and the life he led - the warmth, the gifts, the strength he shared - and it wasn't all so difficult really. my grandfather lived to be nearly 84 years old and had a full life. and i believe his spirit is free and at peace now - death, this, it seems, and the amorphous glow of eternity, these things, it seems, i can handle. it's the living - the day-to-day mundanities and sheer silliness - of myself and others - these are the things that get me.

it's so short - at 28, i am aware of the time i have already spent - & at times squandered. what's a life for??? how do you shape your time, your energies, your soul.... into something that, when it has all passed, you can look back upon and be proud of? thankful. for the time you've been granted. for the ways you've given back some small piece of the grace and beauty you've received.

i'm so annoyed!!! by everything, today. by television and new clothes and shopping and weight loss and hearing aids and politics and politeness at the expense of truthfulness and small talk and lipstick and bedspreads and the passing of time... the goddamn american dream.....

such a short time. and what does any of us have to show???? "do what is right and you will feel right..." these words again as i contemplate... for the umpteenth time again... always a whisper... a billowing prayer.... just how then... show me...how to LIVE....

...pillars of salt...

..this past week has found me flummoxed, and pissy. a last night text-conversation with my friend reads something like her offering to come over and cook dinner for me and me telling her to best keep her distance till the spell of the grumpy bee-atch has run its course. and why? i talk to people every day who have real problems so much greater than mine. if anything, my issues come down more to those of the mind than those of the body. i am blessed. so amazingly. and yet, sometimes, it's all i can do to remind myself to get up each day, start again, that life is bountiful and good, that there is a world of shimmering possibility blooming right there at my feet. step in.

something about seeing the forest for the trees, the mountains for the valleys, the flowers for the shit in the soil.... i guess it all just depends what you're looking at....

my parents spoonfed me on biblical lore and sometimes pieces of that mythic language will find their way back into my ever-looping conversation.. and i'm thinking of this one story... this woman & her family are being ferried away by angels .... their city behind them is going down in an avalanche of celestial schrapnel and the one thing they tell her is to "Don't Look Back!". as she's being carried to safety and freedom & life, her whole family and self intact, they tell her, don't look back on what you've left - on what is lost. And she does. and then right there, she is turned into a pillar of salt....

and this week I feel that. the tug of the old, snapdragon demons.. tugging at my sleeve, imploring me to give in - turn my back on the possibility that lays before me and plant my feet in the sludge of bygone memories & dreams.... and the message is clear.... that house of dreams - well, baby, it's on fire.. and you're running toward the haven of beyond... what is.... keep your feet on the path, and your head cocked forward..... and don't stop until you reach a place - a clearing in your mind - where you can bless it, release it..... and leave the past behind.

...listening...

my teacher once said you must approach the thing as if it already exists... as if you are approaching this large mound of clay, and the sculpture, your vision, already exists within this mound. your job is merely to be attentive, listening, responsive... so that you can tease that thing into being...

YOU MUST BE CONDUIT - a clear, fluid channel - bringing all your insights, gifts, grit, truth & abilities - & lay them at the feet of this thing.... that you may hear it sing...

so today.. i find myself... just... Listening.....

...the ever-ready drawing board...

well. the time has come. again. re-load. re-boot. re-do. with merely a scant five-and-a-half weeks left before i remount my new, god-only-hopes improved one-woman-show (quite a few little hyphens to this morning's post, eh???) - i am tempted to say it - i'm fucked. but no matter. the goal this week? nose to the grindestone. and hard. we wanna see gravel in those pores!!! 4 hours of writing a day, re-vamping, editing, revising, whatnot. and hopefully, what will emerge at the end of the week, will be a thing of power, precision, poetry!!! resist the urge to do that extra load of dishes that is taunting you from afar, check the e-mail, feed the dog....
do not pass go, do not collect one million dollars. just. write. like your life depends upon it. and then. do it some more. to all my friends and family, whom i have every intention of utterly abandoning this week.... wish me luck! hopefully what shall emerge shall be a slightly brighter me & a spot of color on my now-blank-canvas....

...amidst the quiet...

my friend has this theory that you find your brilliance at those moments when you feel you have nothing to say... those times of quietude, when you find yourself, amazingly, unpossessed of the need to rage, to cry, to sing... just simply & blessedly still. quiet. @ peace. i once saw this book (written by another amy - probably why i picked it up in the first place) where this woman merely chronicled the day-to-day goings-on of her ordinary life.. kids to school, baking cookies, that sort of thing...and i thought.. what is the f-ing point?! who cares?

but,on second thought, maybe that - is just it. the role of the artist is not so much to live a rarified & quixotic existence - occasionally touching down on terra firma to report upon their outrageous goings-on, but perhaps merely just to immerse themselves in the ordinary fabric of the day-to-day, and by virtue of their own attentive eye & heart & grit... and find for themselves, amongst this most quiet little landscape... the thread of the extraordinary...

... a cinematic moment...

so i've had this one song going on-and-on round and round, looping my brain, so to speak, for the past several weeks.... you know that one that plays toward the end of the movie magnolia... when everyone's reaching the end of their rope... the corrupt, sad man dying on the couch alone feels his last few precious moments on earth and reaches out.... the brilliant wiz kid goes blank on the quiz show and accidentally wets himself on live tv... the promiscuous trophy wife drives fast down a rainy street and crashes her car.... phillip seymour hoffman cries quietly in the corner... The GIVE UP MOMENT has arrived.
all the while, in the background, Aimee Mann is humming an endless litany... "It's not going to stop.... no it's not going to stop!!!... no IT's not GOing to STOP.... ......
..... till you wise up....." whatever that means.
and then..... the skies open... and emits.. frogs. mother-effing frogs. and people are running around saying what?! and ducking for cover underneath benches and cars to escape the downpour of amphibians..

but when it's all over, the sky has cleared, and the frogs lay littered on the ground... well... when i first saw it.... it's a biblical reference of all things... When Moses is pleading with the Phaaroh to free the Jewish tribe, he sends plagues - blood, boils, locusts, darkness, hail, lice, death.... and FROGS.
and when it's all over.. Moses says to the Phaaroh... "Let my people go"... and the damn guy's just so friggin' tired he says.. "Know what? Take 'Em!"

And he lets those people go...

I guess my point is this.... with the pace my life has taken in the last few months.... I feel I'm right about at the locusts stage... "eagerly" awaiting the blood, boils, and the death of the firstborn..... I'm ready for those damn frogs. I'm ready to look up to the sky and say BRING IT!!!! and then to stand in the center of the street, surrounded by breathless amphibians and then....
make a little exodus all my own... Shit IS going to stop cuz it's time....
Let This Woman GO.

...for real...

the question always lingers somewhere in my mind. "so when you gonna get a real job?" to date i have managed to pull off a successful impersonation of the following... waitress, piano teacher, manager @ a bagel shop, sales clerk, barista, musical accompanist, glorified babysitter & professional girlfriend.
Conversely, I have also managed to sink thousands into the study of.... aspiring yogini, actress, singer, dancer, and just generally aspiring to be the next judy garland or laurie anderson.
so the question i ask myself again & again - when does the leap occur? i know you don't just wake up one day and find yourself doing the work you love - spending your days, immersed in that one special thing that makes you feel alive! & bringing home a paycheck to boot. one can spend years, lifetimes, even, toiling away at work that fills the bank account, all the while draining the spirit.
it's a very western question as well. here in this privileged corner of the world, where an entire generation has been permitted the requisite means to twiddle their thumbs in twain and ponder the immortal question "what am i to do with my life?" whilst people are struggling merely for survival - a place to sleep, a drink of clean water, a moment of reprieve from the devastation that surrounds them. Makes the quest for a meaningful vocation seem almost ludicrous, vain, elitist.

but the question remains. if you find yourself so blessed to live in that lucky corner of the world where there is food in your belly, shelter for your bones, & thoughts a plenty for your head - and time to ponder that incessant query - WHAT TO DO - perhaps the time has come. Just go ahead and... l-E-A-p......cease pretending. and like pinocchio, echo that sacred prayer... please. make me REAL.