choice.

surfing. choking down saltwater like a frat boy at an open bar, forever muscling my way thru the hilly sea of white that relentlessly assails me, paddling furiously just to stay in one place, watching as the ten-year-old girl to my left rides in on set-after-set, floating up to her feet as if she had wings.... and i'm here.. riding... barely... on my knees.... like a woman in supplication... a prayer....

and so it is. someone said once that you should do something every day that scares you. and for me this thing fits right in there. the ocean.. so grand and indiscriminate.... each time i suit up, reminding myself to breathe.. to quell the raging butterflies inside my chest. something i am so achingly, painstakingly bad at and yet.... i am reminded again.. that anything can be a teacher... an awakening.. an invocation.. if you can let it... realizing once again that happiness.. is a choice. not a destination. you can wait forever, hoping for that illusive emotion to overtake you. or you can choose.. to engage.. embrace.. this moment. and all it has to offer you... and so i find myself laughing, grinning, mirthfully spitting, snot emitting from my nose... as i jump onboard my little green boat once more... all right! let's do it again! i'm ready to play! thank you! thank you! big, beautiful stunning mystery... for revealing yourself to me.. once more...

it seems i spend my life chasing for answers.... when maybe, just maybe they're all just sitting there, waiting.. quietly shimmering... biding their time... until you're ready.. for one to appear...