....the rules....

..."i suppose the problem had something to do with rules"...

in the afore-mentioned semi-brilliant, yet painfully scholastic effort that currently is my very own one-woman-show... ahem.... i set out to tackle my pre-occupation with rules - with good behavior - and my lifelong addiction and consequent abhoration of all things good and proper and never-failingly-appropriate!!!

the problem is, can you really ever wax profoundly upon a subject you have yet to master? if the lesson learned is still very much in your present, jumping up at you from all directions, instead of wallowing langorousy in your wistfully-remembered past... is the subject too close at hand to truly examine? is it like trying to look at your own right hand and commenting on it as if it were the limb of a stranger, a mannequin or a painting? is the task near impossible? and do you have the right to say anything at all?

Case in point:

i awoke at the ungodly hour of 4:30 this morning to type up a belated paper for a geography class. after my first few sips of black-as-sin tea, the words started to flow - and freely. the cadences and rhythms of syllables, all slipping into a lovely and evocative order. images of poetry and syllogisms danced round in my head.

and the thing is - i can do that. i know this woman -my teacher - rather well - and the types of images and ideas she'll enjoy and relate to. i can write a paper tailor-made to her style and sensibilities and almost guarantee myself a good grade. it is the only way i have gotten through college.

but what about writing for an audience of one? when the opinion that really matters is my own? the world opens itself to me - a grand slick oyster of ideas. and the only requirement is that i write something that is good - and truthful - maybe even lasting - and beautiful.

what about then?

when the rules no longer apply, and something..anything may transpire...

i stare at a blank page... for an hour maybe more.. enraptly my brain repeating...

i do not know. i do not know.