...hey. there they are...

well. there. it's done. this thing that i've been lumbering thru gestation these past 6 months - last night was born - in front of an audience of less than 20. most of which contained my friends, teachers, and their significant others. i couldn't care less.

my musical cues ran with a few hitches. i left a piece of my costuming (my purple kneesocks!!!) lying in the wings and went without 'em. i had a couple moments there onstage where i thought ..... wow. i sure use that word a lot!

my mother sent me roses via my loving husband. my friends looked me straight in the eye and said, "that was awesome! no, really. i'm so glad i came."

their significant others, rather than shuffling their feet and spouting off the traditional niceties, "umm, yeah, good job." chuckled, shook my hand. my one friend's husband compared me to bertold brecht. (ok, well, yes, i'll take a little undeserved flattery, of course.)

my teacher - my mentor - a woman who makes me want to stand up tall and shine - hugged me with tears in her eyes - "i am very proud of you right now."

but... the most amazing thing, perhaps, of it all - for the first time in years, after trudging thru the rigors of academia, bullshit jobs and whatnot, i got another glimpse of this thing - this essence - i remembered - what it feels like - to be doing exactly what you want - what you secretly dream about - and what you have this nagging feeling you were put on the planet to do. it's over - for now - but i still woke up last night - repeating lines from the 21 pages of script - wondering - so where can this go now?????

...the moment of truth...

everything is shrouded in superstition today. everything is a declarative omen. yesterday, after passing thru the cafeteria, i saw a penny wrapped in a napkin on the linoleum floor. after passing it by, i thought better of it and went to grab it up. after walking a few minutes with the filthy copper in my hand i figured it was more propitious to wish on such a thing than to keep it. i closed my eyes and sent it sailing to the root of a nearby monkey-pod tree. there!!!

today, after several days of beautiful sunshine,i woke up to find it raining! hurrah! my favorite weather!! (no,really. i mean it!!) another sign that the gods have smiled on me - to be sure!!!

why all this momentary superstition, you ask? today - is the day - that i have eagerly and anxiously anticipated for the past 6 months, maybe longer. this evening my show - all 45 glistening minutes of it - enjoys its opening (and closing) night. i don't expect a large crowd ( we fumbled on the flyers and publicity for this thing), i don't expect accolades or anything really from it. well, but actually - that's not true.

i expect everything from this. it may well be the first time in my life where i have seen something good - and honest - and of my own creative stirrings - brought to life. for 45 minutes, i get to have a taste of something of worth - something sublime. a moment....to...shine. it has nothing to do with the stage and the lights and the audience - and almost everything to do with seeing something i've held so close to me - now - come to life.

so... with fingers crossed and breath that is baited... (plus maybe some salt tossed over my left shoulder)... let's just see what we can do.

better late than never...

well... it's beena week filled with all kindsa' crazy. the show is finally starting to take some shape.. today is dedicated to running it a million times in my living room.. i went and ransacked walmart yesterday for my props - everything from a martini glass and pack of marlboro reds to a loaf of white bread and peanut butter.

but... i would be remiss in my duties if i did not take a moment here...

......ahem...

3 years ago, on april 24th, my sister gave birth to a most lovely and beautiful creature. a gorgeous afro-headed munchkin that we call zoe. yesterday i am sure she enjoyed ice cream cake and dancing around in her tutu while opening no less than 47 presents from her overly-enthralled/indulgent grandparents.

but this is my two cents..

i love you zoe day! happy birthday baby! see you soon!!!

...in my solitude...

ahhh, for the first time in days - i finally find myself with the house - all to myself...

i should be overjoyed!!! taking long bubble baths, spending the time generating all sorts of fascinating and creative endeavors!

hmmm.

it's an interesting thing, really... when i was a young single thing, i loved spending days by myself. writing bad poetry, taking really long walks in the woods. and now - when given the chance, i hardly know what to do with myself.

it takes a certain something to be able to truly enjoy one's own solitary time... alone without feeling lonely.... keep yourself company.. oh where, oh where, i ask, has that little girl gone???

i can't believe.. today was a good day...

ooh, yes, indeedy! how the universe does provide!!! ha ha!!!!

this week was a very good thing, indeed. sometime ago, the powers that be provided me with a couple of beautiful, rockin' older sisters - in the form of two wonderful roomates - a couple years older than me - and lifetimes ahead of me - as far as self-assuredness, a certain comfortable-ness with life and an indefinite "je nous se qua" that made them perfect for the part.

this week i heard back from not one - but both!!! - of them. they wished me well and imbued me with their own lovely form of wit and wisdom. spiritual nutrition in the form of a well-penned e-mail! thank you, julia and mary!!! oh how i miss you both!!!

and today... the unveiling, if you will. after condensing 34 pages worth of mediocre material into a more tolerable 20-page, 40-minute long diatribe on all things me and mine - i stood in my living room and delivered my little schpeal to 4 very lovely and tolerant friends.

in return for bearing my soul, as it were, and providing them with some free beer - they rewarded me with praise and laughter and thanks and smiles. i still find myself a bit drunk on their warm reception.

sooo... a good start. this will go on. i gleefully anticipate the future for this infantile project. and for the first time in a long time.. i smilingly think to myself.....

...... i just might have something here........

oh the glory of it all....

why is it that the things that come so easily are the things so equally simple to discard? while the things that keep you up at night... the things - the dreams and ideas - that keep you up at night, worrying your pillow to a mass of threaded down..... the precious tokens of your self and your life- those innermost treasures lurking @ the baseboard of your spine..... that which we hold most dear - are the hardest to render and to put across.....

i could write you a sonnet - if i thought the words inevitably ended in a grade or happy punctuation

i could write you a song - if i knew the melody might amount to nothing more than a happy-forget-me-oh-so-quickly bygone tune...

i could tell you my story - if it meant that it would be what you wanted it to be - if the perameters were clear and stark - refined and fit into a nice little cubby hole...

but to say something true - and potent - and dark - yet equally lite - yet equally poignant - yet equally stark - something beautiful and enduring - that only i can muster - where the sentence ends who knows where..... the sky is too wide... the ocean too open.. the well too deep and the ether too dank... how do i light upon that which is good and true and somehow lasting and pure?

lurking, hiding, and waiting... something is willing itself to be born...

....the rules....

..."i suppose the problem had something to do with rules"...

in the afore-mentioned semi-brilliant, yet painfully scholastic effort that currently is my very own one-woman-show... ahem.... i set out to tackle my pre-occupation with rules - with good behavior - and my lifelong addiction and consequent abhoration of all things good and proper and never-failingly-appropriate!!!

the problem is, can you really ever wax profoundly upon a subject you have yet to master? if the lesson learned is still very much in your present, jumping up at you from all directions, instead of wallowing langorousy in your wistfully-remembered past... is the subject too close at hand to truly examine? is it like trying to look at your own right hand and commenting on it as if it were the limb of a stranger, a mannequin or a painting? is the task near impossible? and do you have the right to say anything at all?

Case in point:

i awoke at the ungodly hour of 4:30 this morning to type up a belated paper for a geography class. after my first few sips of black-as-sin tea, the words started to flow - and freely. the cadences and rhythms of syllables, all slipping into a lovely and evocative order. images of poetry and syllogisms danced round in my head.

and the thing is - i can do that. i know this woman -my teacher - rather well - and the types of images and ideas she'll enjoy and relate to. i can write a paper tailor-made to her style and sensibilities and almost guarantee myself a good grade. it is the only way i have gotten through college.

but what about writing for an audience of one? when the opinion that really matters is my own? the world opens itself to me - a grand slick oyster of ideas. and the only requirement is that i write something that is good - and truthful - maybe even lasting - and beautiful.

what about then?

when the rules no longer apply, and something..anything may transpire...

i stare at a blank page... for an hour maybe more.. enraptly my brain repeating...

i do not know. i do not know.

...begin the beguine...

Oh... how very propitious to start off my first post with an over-used drama-ism..... No matter. this is a record of sorts. I am in the process of finishing up my first ever, semi-brilliant, yet oh-so-mediocre attempt at a one-woman-show.. ta-da!!!

So far the experience has been humbling and enlightening. There are days when I can go back - see what I have created - and like a self-aggrandizing demi-god, I look down and can happily say, "It is good." But far more frequently, there are the days when I look over what amounts to months of work - endless smoke breaks and hours staring at a blurry computer screen - and I have to ask... just what is it all worth?

But these are the question I must ask. Like the content of the show itself, the question I am asking right now - is how to find my footing... how to abandon all the rules and bougeois standards I've adhered to for so long.. and finally carving out a path that makes sense...

These are the first few tentative steps... the teetering, shy fumblings... and I'm putting them in print... To share the first few moments. To document them here - so perhaps, when the time has come.. and I can say with some certainty that I'm sorta getting the hang of this here thang... I can look back and smile - remember the journey.. and perhaps just see - how far I've come...