...with breath that is baited...

...ahh, yes, let the world utter a collective sigh of relief! let is step down from its' precious tippy-toes! that's right! the "feet" girl has returned! here to regale you all with tales of my inner tumult and tenacity! put down whatever insipid reading material you grasp at this moment! lay aside whatever trivialities dot your psychic landscape! that's right! she has returned! and she's still...looking for those damn feet.

well, in a manner of speaking. it has been a journey - quite literally - these past few months - traversing the globe with my man, my partner. waking up in a different corner of the world each week, and finding my place in it. lovely, heartbreaking, heart-opening, all that. but more on that later.

now i find myself back on planet earth (or at least the north-western hemisphere) and i am ready to put myself back on the page. show up and see what awaits me. begin the process of birth and crawling, all that, all over again.

it seems only fitting to me, as this page was started as a means to cross one major hurdle in my life - my first ever one-woman-show!(Ta-Dah!!)- it should re-commence with the advent of yet another major milestone - applying to grad school! (Shit. Not quite the same ring.) this brings up all sorts of questions and anxieties for me - things like the nature of art, myself as artist, success and how to define it, will they see that i am really just a mediocre worm???? etc. etc. etc.

but there will be ample time for these private neuroses later. for now, gather round, ye faithful few, sing with me those who know the tune.... i am here. again. and ready to plant my feet on solid ground. if only for the moment....

..if you lived here you'd be.......

ahhh... nothing like leaving home to awaken all the fond memories lying dormant in your brain...
today i missed my home.. correction.. homes.
took a little bus ride tour up to the hippie enclave of nimbin town, in new south wales australia. had a lovely bus driver who spoke at length of all the things so near-and-dear to my heart.. save the planet, dance as much as humanly possible, toss the finger in the general direction of multi-national-corporations, etc, etc...
and i thought of home...
of warm sunday mornings hopping around in the puna sunshine at ecstatic dance..
of waterfalls and orange trees right outside my door..
of lovely people and friends who make up my past and future existence...
...ahhh, how i miss them..
thought of walks thru the forest and the marsh, eating too much sushi and sake with a group of smiling faces...
of long, grueling yoga classes - emerging joyous and spent after 2 hours of dripping profusely into my little purple mat...
..of so many things and more...more..more...
...i guess the great thing about leaving home is the knowing that it shall await you same as before.. when you may return awakened, invigorated.. a better version than when you left.. and you may begin again...

...of remembrance and forgetfulness...

things to remember...
~the absolutely delicious coffee served in little porcelain cups at every little cafe that lines the street
~a little irish pub with scattered newspapers and half-full ashtrays with the lilting lovely sounds of a man and his guitar humming wistfully in the background..
~the opera house - yes, just as large and lovely and luminous as every postcard would have you believe. simply stunning. i sat in a toilet stall and stared in joy and amazement at the architechtural grandeur around me...
~the warmth and glow of "very english" looking faces buzzing around pints of "old admiral" and "3 sheets" and plates of "pie" - mashed potatoes and peas and gravy in flaky crust - smiling scrumptuously in the brasserie - oldest hotel in sydney - and my new favorite place
~the rain and bookshops and smiles and love made in a small creaky bed and a bowl of very good noodles chased down with a glass of equally good wine....
ahhhh.
things to forget...
~a wicked evil argument brewed over a heap of spicy fish cakes - half fuming/half sobbing the two and half blocks back to the hotel...
~the look on the face of the one you love after you have shared words you know you oughtn't
~who is the better traveler? me or him? for all his talk, he sometimes seems a step behind...
~and that's it - for now - the very mixed bag - all fodder for the ongoing conversation... and on to see what shall last... and is better left behind...

...let it begin...

ahhh... so much for the merry month of may. how about the mother-f-ing crazy month of may? (not quite the same ring, i suppose. tsk, tsk.)
well, it's been a time of....well, err... actually, somebody tell me because at this point i wax amnesiac. the correct words are "a time of friends and family and a frenzied whirl of activity and togetherness..." or somesuch thing. and the truth is it's been lovely and crazy and irritating and dull and harried and stupid and brilliant and equal parts light/dark and forwards-to-backwards. but it is time...
the trip looms heavy on the horizon - but light, so so utterly light... i crave the hollowing and refining that it promises. i want to feel for a moment, that there are things so much greater and bigger than i - worlds beyond the small, comfortable platform i inhabit.
i want to feel humbled yet cradled, majestic yet minute. it is the very thing the whole of me pines for at this moment. to lose myself in the rush of it for a moment (and alternately, if i may embrace the cliche - find myself as well)...
make it simple, stripped down to its essence and its ether. and may it do the same to me. so much distraction and futility - turning an eye toward the other....
it is time...it is time.

...estamos aqui!!!!!!.....

YEA!!!!! well, here we go and here we are! from one hale to another. crossed the humboldt county line about an hour or so ago.
sitting at my old breakfast nook at the lime house. a glass of not-too-shabby organic zinfandel in my hand.
as far as moving/homeless-for-the-moment/in transit fugue states go...
well.. i'll just quote my father-in-law...
"CAN'T BITCH"
and indeed i cannot.
i miss you big island, but how welcome come back to my fully ingrained ohana and a home-away-from...well... home
when inspiration strikes, the words shall flow again...

mahalo nui loa......

...a hui hou....

well. in a perfect world, my last post in hawai'i would be full of wit and wisdom and plentiful bursts of splendid rememberances. as it is, my head's too full of sleep and cleaning fluid to come up with anything too remarkable. such as it is...

i will miss this place.

i will miss waking up to a waterfall streaming thru my backyard.

i will miss night swimming

and having 37 thai restaurants to choose from

and karaoke

and driving for 6 hours in a continuous direction and ending up exactly where you started...

i will miss pupus and poke

i will miss rain but not vog

i will miss a million little things that i cannot even think to mention right now..

i will miss the people who have made this experience what it is for me

so many splendid shining faces whose images i know will stay with me long after i have left this place.

i look forward to snow and seasons and sweaters and tall, tall trees

but i know when the plane takes off tomorrow morning - i shall miss that indescribable feeling - that sensation my teacher refers to as peering out over the water and the 'aina - and know a part of you - is coming home.

soooo... a hui hou, my jungle home.

i'll be seeing you......... until we meet again...

ALOHA

so long... farewell...

mmmm... my house is empty - ish... all my beloved books have been unceremoniously thrown into a large rubbermaid bin. and all my freshly-cleaned coffee mugs still taste like bleach. hmmm. nothing like the fun of moving.

pack 'em up and head on out.

it's a bittersweet moment - as always. in two weeks, this home will no longer be mine.

you always see things a bit clearer when they're moving quickly and farther away from you.

distance heightens vision, so it seems.

so while that last bit of bathwater is slowly circling the drain, you drink it up - voraciously - like a mermaid unserruptitiously torn from the sea.

every little thing heretofore ignored or taken for granted is given one last looksy. one last naked swim in the waterfall behind the house. one last jaunt thru the jungle bordering the town. another swig of the local beer brewed by the cute little asian lady. one more trip to the school cafeteria!!!!!

people ask when we will be back. i cradle my empty belly in my hands and allude to my phantom children. "when we're ready to make babies," i say.

you knew this day was coming. but how did it get here so fast????

...these boots are made for schlepping...

ahhh, well. i knew it had to come.

like a hangover in reverse - the endorphins rising and crescendoing in gorgeous unison, tapering off their merry old way for the next couple days and then... inevitably..

back to the land of the everyday - where late electric bills and messy kitchens await you.

back to those 5 (all right 10!) pounds you've been putting off losing...(i wonder if i could go a week living off carrot juice and coffee, hmmmm???)

and all the other humdrum installments of the day-to-day.

sooo...

here. a deep, swimming lap around the bases and here you are back at your own home plate, your nexxus, the center of it all. and it's not poetry and it's not glistening with song and endless innuendo.. but there is a certain something to it all these days..

so, on with those workin' boots and the rubber gloves, ready to bust out some hefty wads of elbow grease. cheers!!!

but you can dig in a little futher this time, knowing that your next chance to sprint around the bases may just come...

...any second now.

...hey. there they are...

well. there. it's done. this thing that i've been lumbering thru gestation these past 6 months - last night was born - in front of an audience of less than 20. most of which contained my friends, teachers, and their significant others. i couldn't care less.

my musical cues ran with a few hitches. i left a piece of my costuming (my purple kneesocks!!!) lying in the wings and went without 'em. i had a couple moments there onstage where i thought ..... wow. i sure use that word a lot!

my mother sent me roses via my loving husband. my friends looked me straight in the eye and said, "that was awesome! no, really. i'm so glad i came."

their significant others, rather than shuffling their feet and spouting off the traditional niceties, "umm, yeah, good job." chuckled, shook my hand. my one friend's husband compared me to bertold brecht. (ok, well, yes, i'll take a little undeserved flattery, of course.)

my teacher - my mentor - a woman who makes me want to stand up tall and shine - hugged me with tears in her eyes - "i am very proud of you right now."

but... the most amazing thing, perhaps, of it all - for the first time in years, after trudging thru the rigors of academia, bullshit jobs and whatnot, i got another glimpse of this thing - this essence - i remembered - what it feels like - to be doing exactly what you want - what you secretly dream about - and what you have this nagging feeling you were put on the planet to do. it's over - for now - but i still woke up last night - repeating lines from the 21 pages of script - wondering - so where can this go now?????

...the moment of truth...

everything is shrouded in superstition today. everything is a declarative omen. yesterday, after passing thru the cafeteria, i saw a penny wrapped in a napkin on the linoleum floor. after passing it by, i thought better of it and went to grab it up. after walking a few minutes with the filthy copper in my hand i figured it was more propitious to wish on such a thing than to keep it. i closed my eyes and sent it sailing to the root of a nearby monkey-pod tree. there!!!

today, after several days of beautiful sunshine,i woke up to find it raining! hurrah! my favorite weather!! (no,really. i mean it!!) another sign that the gods have smiled on me - to be sure!!!

why all this momentary superstition, you ask? today - is the day - that i have eagerly and anxiously anticipated for the past 6 months, maybe longer. this evening my show - all 45 glistening minutes of it - enjoys its opening (and closing) night. i don't expect a large crowd ( we fumbled on the flyers and publicity for this thing), i don't expect accolades or anything really from it. well, but actually - that's not true.

i expect everything from this. it may well be the first time in my life where i have seen something good - and honest - and of my own creative stirrings - brought to life. for 45 minutes, i get to have a taste of something of worth - something sublime. a moment....to...shine. it has nothing to do with the stage and the lights and the audience - and almost everything to do with seeing something i've held so close to me - now - come to life.

so... with fingers crossed and breath that is baited... (plus maybe some salt tossed over my left shoulder)... let's just see what we can do.

better late than never...

well... it's beena week filled with all kindsa' crazy. the show is finally starting to take some shape.. today is dedicated to running it a million times in my living room.. i went and ransacked walmart yesterday for my props - everything from a martini glass and pack of marlboro reds to a loaf of white bread and peanut butter.

but... i would be remiss in my duties if i did not take a moment here...

......ahem...

3 years ago, on april 24th, my sister gave birth to a most lovely and beautiful creature. a gorgeous afro-headed munchkin that we call zoe. yesterday i am sure she enjoyed ice cream cake and dancing around in her tutu while opening no less than 47 presents from her overly-enthralled/indulgent grandparents.

but this is my two cents..

i love you zoe day! happy birthday baby! see you soon!!!

...in my solitude...

ahhh, for the first time in days - i finally find myself with the house - all to myself...

i should be overjoyed!!! taking long bubble baths, spending the time generating all sorts of fascinating and creative endeavors!

hmmm.

it's an interesting thing, really... when i was a young single thing, i loved spending days by myself. writing bad poetry, taking really long walks in the woods. and now - when given the chance, i hardly know what to do with myself.

it takes a certain something to be able to truly enjoy one's own solitary time... alone without feeling lonely.... keep yourself company.. oh where, oh where, i ask, has that little girl gone???

i can't believe.. today was a good day...

ooh, yes, indeedy! how the universe does provide!!! ha ha!!!!

this week was a very good thing, indeed. sometime ago, the powers that be provided me with a couple of beautiful, rockin' older sisters - in the form of two wonderful roomates - a couple years older than me - and lifetimes ahead of me - as far as self-assuredness, a certain comfortable-ness with life and an indefinite "je nous se qua" that made them perfect for the part.

this week i heard back from not one - but both!!! - of them. they wished me well and imbued me with their own lovely form of wit and wisdom. spiritual nutrition in the form of a well-penned e-mail! thank you, julia and mary!!! oh how i miss you both!!!

and today... the unveiling, if you will. after condensing 34 pages worth of mediocre material into a more tolerable 20-page, 40-minute long diatribe on all things me and mine - i stood in my living room and delivered my little schpeal to 4 very lovely and tolerant friends.

in return for bearing my soul, as it were, and providing them with some free beer - they rewarded me with praise and laughter and thanks and smiles. i still find myself a bit drunk on their warm reception.

sooo... a good start. this will go on. i gleefully anticipate the future for this infantile project. and for the first time in a long time.. i smilingly think to myself.....

...... i just might have something here........

oh the glory of it all....

why is it that the things that come so easily are the things so equally simple to discard? while the things that keep you up at night... the things - the dreams and ideas - that keep you up at night, worrying your pillow to a mass of threaded down..... the precious tokens of your self and your life- those innermost treasures lurking @ the baseboard of your spine..... that which we hold most dear - are the hardest to render and to put across.....

i could write you a sonnet - if i thought the words inevitably ended in a grade or happy punctuation

i could write you a song - if i knew the melody might amount to nothing more than a happy-forget-me-oh-so-quickly bygone tune...

i could tell you my story - if it meant that it would be what you wanted it to be - if the perameters were clear and stark - refined and fit into a nice little cubby hole...

but to say something true - and potent - and dark - yet equally lite - yet equally poignant - yet equally stark - something beautiful and enduring - that only i can muster - where the sentence ends who knows where..... the sky is too wide... the ocean too open.. the well too deep and the ether too dank... how do i light upon that which is good and true and somehow lasting and pure?

lurking, hiding, and waiting... something is willing itself to be born...

....the rules....

..."i suppose the problem had something to do with rules"...

in the afore-mentioned semi-brilliant, yet painfully scholastic effort that currently is my very own one-woman-show... ahem.... i set out to tackle my pre-occupation with rules - with good behavior - and my lifelong addiction and consequent abhoration of all things good and proper and never-failingly-appropriate!!!

the problem is, can you really ever wax profoundly upon a subject you have yet to master? if the lesson learned is still very much in your present, jumping up at you from all directions, instead of wallowing langorousy in your wistfully-remembered past... is the subject too close at hand to truly examine? is it like trying to look at your own right hand and commenting on it as if it were the limb of a stranger, a mannequin or a painting? is the task near impossible? and do you have the right to say anything at all?

Case in point:

i awoke at the ungodly hour of 4:30 this morning to type up a belated paper for a geography class. after my first few sips of black-as-sin tea, the words started to flow - and freely. the cadences and rhythms of syllables, all slipping into a lovely and evocative order. images of poetry and syllogisms danced round in my head.

and the thing is - i can do that. i know this woman -my teacher - rather well - and the types of images and ideas she'll enjoy and relate to. i can write a paper tailor-made to her style and sensibilities and almost guarantee myself a good grade. it is the only way i have gotten through college.

but what about writing for an audience of one? when the opinion that really matters is my own? the world opens itself to me - a grand slick oyster of ideas. and the only requirement is that i write something that is good - and truthful - maybe even lasting - and beautiful.

what about then?

when the rules no longer apply, and something..anything may transpire...

i stare at a blank page... for an hour maybe more.. enraptly my brain repeating...

i do not know. i do not know.

...begin the beguine...

Oh... how very propitious to start off my first post with an over-used drama-ism..... No matter. this is a record of sorts. I am in the process of finishing up my first ever, semi-brilliant, yet oh-so-mediocre attempt at a one-woman-show.. ta-da!!!

So far the experience has been humbling and enlightening. There are days when I can go back - see what I have created - and like a self-aggrandizing demi-god, I look down and can happily say, "It is good." But far more frequently, there are the days when I look over what amounts to months of work - endless smoke breaks and hours staring at a blurry computer screen - and I have to ask... just what is it all worth?

But these are the question I must ask. Like the content of the show itself, the question I am asking right now - is how to find my footing... how to abandon all the rules and bougeois standards I've adhered to for so long.. and finally carving out a path that makes sense...

These are the first few tentative steps... the teetering, shy fumblings... and I'm putting them in print... To share the first few moments. To document them here - so perhaps, when the time has come.. and I can say with some certainty that I'm sorta getting the hang of this here thang... I can look back and smile - remember the journey.. and perhaps just see - how far I've come...