the middle...

so i spend a good portion of my day today... in yoga-land, as i like to refer to it. spreading out my little green acre of rubber solace, taking over the living room floor...and i start... sun salutations, vinyasas, arm-balancing, handstands... referencing various videos, books & journals... all for what you may ask? well.... for one, yes one, hour-and-a-half long class.. taught by yours' truly this evening. time spent preparing you say? well..... a while, let me just reply. money earned from said venture? best not to think about it. happy faces & warm words of gratitude received... not to mention echoes of my current favorite adjective "lovely" tossed in my direction... 3.
i look back on the months, years, hopes & dreams espoused in this, my meandering diatribe, and i think, wait! how did i get here? like the song... "this is not my beautiful house! this is not my beautiful wife!!!!" you start off with grand ideas on what, or who,you are to be in this great walk of life.. and sometimes you get thrown down a long loophole, or detour. my little prima-donna ego screams... I AM AN ARTIST DAMNIT!!! and yet...
sometimes we must takes these long roads... these winding & thoroughly unplanned journeys of the soul, travel all the boundaries of the great landscape of this body, this life, this peanut-glistening mind.... in order to find ourselves back in that gooiest of gooey centers.. the heart, and all its lovely wants, dreams & desires... yes, sometimes I think you must wander away for a moment, catch a clearer picture of that jewel you hold dear.. for me that role... that life - of the artist - theater, dance, music, the written word, what-have-you.. this is the dream that beckons to me again & again...Yoga Instructor.. never did I think those words might come to dominate my time, my thoughts, my life thus.. but maybe.. just maybe..
before you are able to fully walk back, swim if you must... and fully inhabit the spot in this universe which is truly, wholly, god-bless-it, mother-lovingly.. YOURS... you must acquaint yourself with the boundaries of this life... cultivate the quiet soil that surrounds you before you return, jubilant, rooted, ready... and plant yourself once more.. at the very center... of YouR LiFE.

...in the dark...

a wise word from my teacher this week.... sitting in a circle with this group of very healthy, very bright, very through-and-through yogic women.... we do cleanses, we meditate, we sign off e-mails with words like blessings & "with much light"... we can balance on our hands and chant to shiva....

and in the midst of this, knee-deep in some esoteric indic philosophy.. my teacher says this.... that we must sometimes journey into the darkness... settle there for a moment even.. for it is from the darkness that the light emerges...
if we are ever pushing towards this "light" - those heady feelings of bliss, connectedness, beauty, contentment, joy... we must also be willing to explore its counter as well... for how can one know bliss without sorrow? know the depth and boundlessness of human joy if we have not first met our deepest sadness... if one has not known pain, how can one then rejoice in that miraculous moment when, at last, the pain has lifted.. and the wound has healed...
and for someone such as myself... one who knows the weight of melancholy... this deep, lingering shadow, forever etched on the walls of the house in which i dwell.. any house... it doesn't matter.. for someone like me... so acquainted with the dark... like my own skin... these.. THESE... are the words..
i am so needing to hear.

bastante...

this morning iwoke up to one 'a those days.... the ground was tinged with fog and dampness from the night before. a chill seemed to penetrate the still, "summer" morning. i awoke with the knowledge of the tasks that lay before me - a yoga class i was, as of yet, unprepared to teach - plus a middle back so stiff from work and an oversoft mattress i doubted my ability to do much in that arena.. at all. friends, family, house, dogs, car..... the over-brimming bowl of neverending to-dos that seems to greet me 'round every waking turn.

i woke up with that overwhelming feeling that today - as i am - i'm simply not enough. i need a cuppa' coffee, screw it, i need seven! i need a team of helpers, little elves and willing gelflings who throng to do my bidding - and my laundry. I want so much. I want a life that is full & brimming - and I want to bask in this fullness always. And sometimes I do. gleefully, swimmingly - full.

and then there's those lonesome, foggy saturdays...

i love the word in spanish... "bastante"... there's a lilting, gracious quality that the english equivalent simply does not match. Bastante... the word means enough. as in, what you are, where you are, right here in this moment, all messy, tired, aching spine of you- is enough. you may not have everything you want nor desire in this current frame, but rest assured... bastante... there is just enough.. of everything you need.

i get so friggin' busy micro-managing my thoughts, my time, my life... i need to recognize the gift - of quiet, of still - of humble satiety - that awaits me - each time i can just release the reigns enough to listen... that sweet, melodic tune that greets me like the sound of a soft hammock swaying sweetly in the breeze... Bastante... be quiet. rest. you are just exactly where you ought to be.. no need to push, to struggle, to do... you are beautifully, mercifully - Enough.

the word of the day is....

Aparigraha. in sanskrit it means non-grasping, non-clinging. and if your cellular makeup resembles anything like mine - it's one of the hardest things to do. Ever. Let Go. Offer it up. Release it. As the song says, If you love something, then give it away. a beautiful refrain but oh, just what a thing to do... historically, any good thing that comes across my path... emotion, pulse, sensation.... person, place, thing... animal, mineral, vegetable... damnit - if it feels good i wanna hold onto that thing tight and not let go like my life depends upon it! laws of physics be damned! this good feeling's gonna last!!! and then... disaster... like everything within this sphere it goes... past.

and so, in finally beginning to come to terms with the whole "nature of impermanence" thing.. i've begun to offer up a new sort of prayer - my own little ripped-off version of the 12-step serenity verse - "god grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change... the courage to change the things i can... . etc" you know.. that one... tilting it just slightly till it reads somethinglike...

god, i thank you for this joyous, gleaming, gorgeous, brimming, mother-fucking ecstatic and beautiful moment! i know i can't live here all the time, that, in life, some shit, some where, is forever hitting the fan. but thank you, for allowing me this tiny glimpse of cosmic real esate. help me to remember that this exists, even when i'm face down in some pool of earthly sludge.

Mahalo. Amen. A hui hou.
thank you. and so it is. until we meet again......

...relishing the feel of face on floor....

ahhh, the sweet stench of failure!!! the all-enveloping caress of a job not well done. dissolving in an avalanche of self-administered rebukes & insults.

after several days lurking in my little hobbit hole, i find myself out there once again - standing on my mat in front of a room full of strangers - some warm, others,well, less so. hold your applause, bate thy breath as she stands before you now - attempting another round of her endless juggling act - ball one - attempt to say something stunning and original, enlightening, and real. ball two - observe as she fumbles to effortlessly guide a room full of variegated bodies thru a series of complex yet beautifully choreographed maneuvers and spiritual acrobatics. ball three - ahhh, screw it.

open mouth - insert foot. it's one of those moments you fear. you look around the room, and you know it - you've lost it - worse yet, them, you've lost them - a room full of people - staring blankly back at you - looking for guidance - peering - what next? and you go ahead - make one final attempt to pull up the creases of your mouth, a maniacal and last-ditch effort, open your arms, dive out into space - and fall. squarely. on your grinning, sheepish face.

man. that's just the thing. we try so hard to brace ourselves against failure - the sinking feeling that you've put yourself out there - attempted something formerly beyond your limits - and failed. what's worse, with a room full of witnesses to boot. but then you gotta wonder.... how far did anyone ever get just playing it safe? lounging, lazy & all too comfortable, splashing in the shallows of one's own life. who knows what waking horrors or delights lay just beyond the 3-foot line. you might find out the waters go much deeper than you ever dreamed, you may find yourself wriggling, @ times gasping for air... but then again... if you never leave the safety of your own small boat... how do you ever know the beauty of the ocean floor, the feel of salty waves on skin, and the brimming, endless joy... of swimming in that deep blue sea. nothing risked & nothing gained.

they say leap and the net will appear. but sometimes all that comes back up to greet you is a murky, muddy pool of your own stinky shit.even so.armed with my floaties & a steely-eyed grin... watch... as she attempts to do the impossible. once. more.

shakti, shakti, shakti...

...well, we did it. ask and you shall receive. 3 days of music & yoga with me and my man. leaving thursday morning with a lovely chest-rattling, pre-pneumatic cough... and coming off of 5 bleary days of bed rest, i was ready!!!! to be reborn, to be renewed... inspired... salvaged.. awakened.... split wide open... and so it seems, i have.

the recap: four nights ensconced in a little froo-froo mountain village, surrounded by tight-bodied yogis & high-on-ecstasy & wheatgrass yoginis. each one a bit more gentrified & ethereal than the last... i-phones in hand, eighty-dollar rubber mats at the ready... we're going to get fit, people! oh yeah, and enlightened, if we get to that too. my first thoughts on morning one is that this most assuredly is not the spot for me... too messy, a little too soft & jiggly in the spots i ought to be hard & sleek.... and yet..... if you can just stay open... listening... watchful... available... that which you seek... that which your heart is seeking, longing for... yearning quietly and endlessly toward... will meet you, overtake you, come. to. you.

one teacher put it best... stand in the center of your mat. your feet are grounded to the earth beneath you. arms reach up toward the sky. hands held outward. and from here you reach - up - out - toward - opening your entire self up - reaching toward your dreams... toward blessing.. toward life.. toward God... and then from there... pulling that energy back down toward you.... splay wide open the heart.. and just... RECEIVE.

Sorry, gentle reader, for the flowery, esoteric musings of this morning. it's simply just where my songbirds sing today.... more notes to come as i touch back down on terra firma soon.... and hopefully something you can scoop up, put in your pocket... and carry with you.. along the way...

choice.

surfing. choking down saltwater like a frat boy at an open bar, forever muscling my way thru the hilly sea of white that relentlessly assails me, paddling furiously just to stay in one place, watching as the ten-year-old girl to my left rides in on set-after-set, floating up to her feet as if she had wings.... and i'm here.. riding... barely... on my knees.... like a woman in supplication... a prayer....

and so it is. someone said once that you should do something every day that scares you. and for me this thing fits right in there. the ocean.. so grand and indiscriminate.... each time i suit up, reminding myself to breathe.. to quell the raging butterflies inside my chest. something i am so achingly, painstakingly bad at and yet.... i am reminded again.. that anything can be a teacher... an awakening.. an invocation.. if you can let it... realizing once again that happiness.. is a choice. not a destination. you can wait forever, hoping for that illusive emotion to overtake you. or you can choose.. to engage.. embrace.. this moment. and all it has to offer you... and so i find myself laughing, grinning, mirthfully spitting, snot emitting from my nose... as i jump onboard my little green boat once more... all right! let's do it again! i'm ready to play! thank you! thank you! big, beautiful stunning mystery... for revealing yourself to me.. once more...

it seems i spend my life chasing for answers.... when maybe, just maybe they're all just sitting there, waiting.. quietly shimmering... biding their time... until you're ready.. for one to appear...