...they say it's your birthday...

From this morning's journal entry...
"26! and none the wiser... my head is full of rambling shoulds & wills & going to dos... and that's all right. i think i may even indulge them for a bit. but perhaps this time not with the notion that each good deed & well habit learned is somehow going to fix together the disparaging pieces of my universe. no magic answers or limericks - keys to life, as it were.
perhaps you do the things you do because they bring you joy - & somehow make this crazy, fucked-up life a little more worth living - no pat answers - no easy anythings - really.
maybe the blessing here is that i may finally feel i am @ a spot where i can dig in my heels & do some work - roll up my sleeves, if you will, & just start hoeing - not because there's any magical rainbows @ the other end of it but just because... just because...
just because "There is work needing to be done." so much of my life has been spent waiting for perfecting radiant glistening moments - for Life to open itself up to me - for the path to clear - & the way made bright - but this doesn't happen.
i've wanted to wrap this life upinto one gorgeous, confectionary, hyper-distillate intangible - that somehow fits snugly in the palm of my hand - but it doesn't. it's raw and it's messy - and sometimes it's all you can do to drag yourself to the table for one more helping of this heavy, heavy dish.
but you do.
and you come to realize - sometimes it's just the mere act of spoonful upon spoonful - that we ever come to be fed. sometimes it's just the act of putting one foot ploddingly in front of the other - not knowing if or when the path leads to anywhere - but just to know that for today - the simple & profound act of trying - is ... ENOUGH."

..hurrah!!...

how often does one truly find a home? i mean.. a place.. a moment.. a thing.. which resonates so deeply and soundly in your very bones.. that you have no choice in the matter but to sink you feet deep down into the spot where you're standing.. build a nest.. a boat. an island... a poem.. and just let yourself sink into the glistening, pulsating spot on which you stand.
today i had somesuch moment. a series of bells ringing and clanging in my head! little lightbulbs popping rhythmically in my head.. a series of humming "aha!"s.. it was the "amy goes to school day".. to see if i could find a niche, a place - a home to grow and from which to produce true and solid work from.. and i think i have found such a place..
fingers crossed, toes dipping in... a few more hurdles (who am i kidding? many more hurdles..) to cross and then... lift-off.....
ahh, it feels good to find... a home....

...for my mama...

maybe it's something that comes with age. maybe it's just one of those days. but whatever it is, this morning i woke up to a call from my mother. and for the first time.. maybe - ever - my heart sat up and did a little twirl and said hello. and she was truly the one person i desired to talk to just then.
i know plenty of girls my age who enjoy sister-like closeness with the women who begot them. i have never been one of those girls. and i might never be. and that's okay. but today.. i woke up and heard the singing-smiling voice of the woman who stitched my name into a shirt months before i was even conceived. "hey, you were almost born on this day, kiddo." and i felt for that moment like i had reached down and touched my source, my pulse. and it's new. and it's amazing. and it's the something i didn't even know i needed. so.. today. thanks. for that.
happy valentine's day, mom. i love you.

...from here springs...everything...

whew! so much time away. so much time spent in oft-times fruitless pursuits... i find myself at one of those rare moments, at least for the twenty-something childless being, where myself - my Self - is temporarily removed from the center of my universe. it's amazing how one can fill the time - finding new - sometimes beautiful, other times ridiculous ways - to craft a life. what do i feel like today? what does my abundant lounging soul care to partake of in this moment? so much time and energy devoted to the ever-persistent task of finding self-fulfillment, meaning, what have you.
and then you come to that ever-nagging fork in the road.. where you see, ever so clearly yet again... yup. this - this whole messy gorgeous, crazy shca-bang - well, as mama told you growing up at times "It ain't all about you, kid."
i'll spare my gentle reader all the messy details. suffice to say - grad school - that new thing this whole readership was now supposed to revolve around - now a happy, yet irrepresably less important detail to be dealt with.
tonight i find myself troubled by demons that are not so much my own.. but the inherited sort. the kind of pain that can span many a generation and linger on for only who knows how long.. and i know.. as i tell myself this again and again - this all happens for a reason...
but for this evening, my burdens are not my own.. but they bear down on me so much more the heavily than anything i could have wrought upon myself....
perhaps one more "gift" of this ever-coming adulthood.. as the journey unfolds, so too, the skeletons.. from not one, but many a closet come forth to dance and revel and wail... and i am taken aback.. but i think...
all right. give me the strength to dance... All the More.

...whoop-de-doo...

what's the saying? with every door closing a window opens? or somesuch nonsense like that? well, no, i speak too soon -it's true. i adore sayings like that. fact is i'm the type of gal who'll eat a few too many of those less-than-stellar cookies at chinese food just so i can bask in the pleasure of a few extra well-penned fortunes...
"you will be much prosperous this year!"
"many happy returns!"
"give the world a hug - & a pony."
whatever.
i get off on those little cheesy expressions. they somehow help to steer me thru the present mess. they wrap life's little worries up in a little box and a big fluffy bow and say HEY! it's gonna be okay.
but sadly, i seems to me i may have outgrown such pre-packaged sentiments. what is it about these days????
here's the deal:
the holidays are over - the time for family togetherness has subsided - i just came back from one of the most extensive and amazing trips of my life - and... there's a big fat WHAT NOW trolling thru my head.. maybe it's just the time of year, the time of life, what have you, but right about now... it may be time to bust out the psychic tool kit, if you will... cuz all my preverbial doors have gone and closed.. and at the moment.. the window's looking good & shut to boot...

it just leaves me thinking... what now???

...with breath that is baited...

...ahh, yes, let the world utter a collective sigh of relief! let is step down from its' precious tippy-toes! that's right! the "feet" girl has returned! here to regale you all with tales of my inner tumult and tenacity! put down whatever insipid reading material you grasp at this moment! lay aside whatever trivialities dot your psychic landscape! that's right! she has returned! and she's still...looking for those damn feet.

well, in a manner of speaking. it has been a journey - quite literally - these past few months - traversing the globe with my man, my partner. waking up in a different corner of the world each week, and finding my place in it. lovely, heartbreaking, heart-opening, all that. but more on that later.

now i find myself back on planet earth (or at least the north-western hemisphere) and i am ready to put myself back on the page. show up and see what awaits me. begin the process of birth and crawling, all that, all over again.

it seems only fitting to me, as this page was started as a means to cross one major hurdle in my life - my first ever one-woman-show!(Ta-Dah!!)- it should re-commence with the advent of yet another major milestone - applying to grad school! (Shit. Not quite the same ring.) this brings up all sorts of questions and anxieties for me - things like the nature of art, myself as artist, success and how to define it, will they see that i am really just a mediocre worm???? etc. etc. etc.

but there will be ample time for these private neuroses later. for now, gather round, ye faithful few, sing with me those who know the tune.... i am here. again. and ready to plant my feet on solid ground. if only for the moment....

..if you lived here you'd be.......

ahhh... nothing like leaving home to awaken all the fond memories lying dormant in your brain...
today i missed my home.. correction.. homes.
took a little bus ride tour up to the hippie enclave of nimbin town, in new south wales australia. had a lovely bus driver who spoke at length of all the things so near-and-dear to my heart.. save the planet, dance as much as humanly possible, toss the finger in the general direction of multi-national-corporations, etc, etc...
and i thought of home...
of warm sunday mornings hopping around in the puna sunshine at ecstatic dance..
of waterfalls and orange trees right outside my door..
of lovely people and friends who make up my past and future existence...
...ahhh, how i miss them..
thought of walks thru the forest and the marsh, eating too much sushi and sake with a group of smiling faces...
of long, grueling yoga classes - emerging joyous and spent after 2 hours of dripping profusely into my little purple mat...
..of so many things and more...more..more...
...i guess the great thing about leaving home is the knowing that it shall await you same as before.. when you may return awakened, invigorated.. a better version than when you left.. and you may begin again...