...they say it's your birthday...

From this morning's journal entry...
"26! and none the wiser... my head is full of rambling shoulds & wills & going to dos... and that's all right. i think i may even indulge them for a bit. but perhaps this time not with the notion that each good deed & well habit learned is somehow going to fix together the disparaging pieces of my universe. no magic answers or limericks - keys to life, as it were.
perhaps you do the things you do because they bring you joy - & somehow make this crazy, fucked-up life a little more worth living - no pat answers - no easy anythings - really.
maybe the blessing here is that i may finally feel i am @ a spot where i can dig in my heels & do some work - roll up my sleeves, if you will, & just start hoeing - not because there's any magical rainbows @ the other end of it but just because... just because...
just because "There is work needing to be done." so much of my life has been spent waiting for perfecting radiant glistening moments - for Life to open itself up to me - for the path to clear - & the way made bright - but this doesn't happen.
i've wanted to wrap this life upinto one gorgeous, confectionary, hyper-distillate intangible - that somehow fits snugly in the palm of my hand - but it doesn't. it's raw and it's messy - and sometimes it's all you can do to drag yourself to the table for one more helping of this heavy, heavy dish.
but you do.
and you come to realize - sometimes it's just the mere act of spoonful upon spoonful - that we ever come to be fed. sometimes it's just the act of putting one foot ploddingly in front of the other - not knowing if or when the path leads to anywhere - but just to know that for today - the simple & profound act of trying - is ... ENOUGH."