...of remembrance and forgetfulness...

things to remember...
~the absolutely delicious coffee served in little porcelain cups at every little cafe that lines the street
~a little irish pub with scattered newspapers and half-full ashtrays with the lilting lovely sounds of a man and his guitar humming wistfully in the background..
~the opera house - yes, just as large and lovely and luminous as every postcard would have you believe. simply stunning. i sat in a toilet stall and stared in joy and amazement at the architechtural grandeur around me...
~the warmth and glow of "very english" looking faces buzzing around pints of "old admiral" and "3 sheets" and plates of "pie" - mashed potatoes and peas and gravy in flaky crust - smiling scrumptuously in the brasserie - oldest hotel in sydney - and my new favorite place
~the rain and bookshops and smiles and love made in a small creaky bed and a bowl of very good noodles chased down with a glass of equally good wine....
ahhhh.
things to forget...
~a wicked evil argument brewed over a heap of spicy fish cakes - half fuming/half sobbing the two and half blocks back to the hotel...
~the look on the face of the one you love after you have shared words you know you oughtn't
~who is the better traveler? me or him? for all his talk, he sometimes seems a step behind...
~and that's it - for now - the very mixed bag - all fodder for the ongoing conversation... and on to see what shall last... and is better left behind...

...let it begin...

ahhh... so much for the merry month of may. how about the mother-f-ing crazy month of may? (not quite the same ring, i suppose. tsk, tsk.)
well, it's been a time of....well, err... actually, somebody tell me because at this point i wax amnesiac. the correct words are "a time of friends and family and a frenzied whirl of activity and togetherness..." or somesuch thing. and the truth is it's been lovely and crazy and irritating and dull and harried and stupid and brilliant and equal parts light/dark and forwards-to-backwards. but it is time...
the trip looms heavy on the horizon - but light, so so utterly light... i crave the hollowing and refining that it promises. i want to feel for a moment, that there are things so much greater and bigger than i - worlds beyond the small, comfortable platform i inhabit.
i want to feel humbled yet cradled, majestic yet minute. it is the very thing the whole of me pines for at this moment. to lose myself in the rush of it for a moment (and alternately, if i may embrace the cliche - find myself as well)...
make it simple, stripped down to its essence and its ether. and may it do the same to me. so much distraction and futility - turning an eye toward the other....
it is time...it is time.

...estamos aqui!!!!!!.....

YEA!!!!! well, here we go and here we are! from one hale to another. crossed the humboldt county line about an hour or so ago.
sitting at my old breakfast nook at the lime house. a glass of not-too-shabby organic zinfandel in my hand.
as far as moving/homeless-for-the-moment/in transit fugue states go...
well.. i'll just quote my father-in-law...
"CAN'T BITCH"
and indeed i cannot.
i miss you big island, but how welcome come back to my fully ingrained ohana and a home-away-from...well... home
when inspiration strikes, the words shall flow again...

mahalo nui loa......

...a hui hou....

well. in a perfect world, my last post in hawai'i would be full of wit and wisdom and plentiful bursts of splendid rememberances. as it is, my head's too full of sleep and cleaning fluid to come up with anything too remarkable. such as it is...

i will miss this place.

i will miss waking up to a waterfall streaming thru my backyard.

i will miss night swimming

and having 37 thai restaurants to choose from

and karaoke

and driving for 6 hours in a continuous direction and ending up exactly where you started...

i will miss pupus and poke

i will miss rain but not vog

i will miss a million little things that i cannot even think to mention right now..

i will miss the people who have made this experience what it is for me

so many splendid shining faces whose images i know will stay with me long after i have left this place.

i look forward to snow and seasons and sweaters and tall, tall trees

but i know when the plane takes off tomorrow morning - i shall miss that indescribable feeling - that sensation my teacher refers to as peering out over the water and the 'aina - and know a part of you - is coming home.

soooo... a hui hou, my jungle home.

i'll be seeing you......... until we meet again...

ALOHA

so long... farewell...

mmmm... my house is empty - ish... all my beloved books have been unceremoniously thrown into a large rubbermaid bin. and all my freshly-cleaned coffee mugs still taste like bleach. hmmm. nothing like the fun of moving.

pack 'em up and head on out.

it's a bittersweet moment - as always. in two weeks, this home will no longer be mine.

you always see things a bit clearer when they're moving quickly and farther away from you.

distance heightens vision, so it seems.

so while that last bit of bathwater is slowly circling the drain, you drink it up - voraciously - like a mermaid unserruptitiously torn from the sea.

every little thing heretofore ignored or taken for granted is given one last looksy. one last naked swim in the waterfall behind the house. one last jaunt thru the jungle bordering the town. another swig of the local beer brewed by the cute little asian lady. one more trip to the school cafeteria!!!!!

people ask when we will be back. i cradle my empty belly in my hands and allude to my phantom children. "when we're ready to make babies," i say.

you knew this day was coming. but how did it get here so fast????

...these boots are made for schlepping...

ahhh, well. i knew it had to come.

like a hangover in reverse - the endorphins rising and crescendoing in gorgeous unison, tapering off their merry old way for the next couple days and then... inevitably..

back to the land of the everyday - where late electric bills and messy kitchens await you.

back to those 5 (all right 10!) pounds you've been putting off losing...(i wonder if i could go a week living off carrot juice and coffee, hmmmm???)

and all the other humdrum installments of the day-to-day.

sooo...

here. a deep, swimming lap around the bases and here you are back at your own home plate, your nexxus, the center of it all. and it's not poetry and it's not glistening with song and endless innuendo.. but there is a certain something to it all these days..

so, on with those workin' boots and the rubber gloves, ready to bust out some hefty wads of elbow grease. cheers!!!

but you can dig in a little futher this time, knowing that your next chance to sprint around the bases may just come...

...any second now.

...hey. there they are...

well. there. it's done. this thing that i've been lumbering thru gestation these past 6 months - last night was born - in front of an audience of less than 20. most of which contained my friends, teachers, and their significant others. i couldn't care less.

my musical cues ran with a few hitches. i left a piece of my costuming (my purple kneesocks!!!) lying in the wings and went without 'em. i had a couple moments there onstage where i thought ..... wow. i sure use that word a lot!

my mother sent me roses via my loving husband. my friends looked me straight in the eye and said, "that was awesome! no, really. i'm so glad i came."

their significant others, rather than shuffling their feet and spouting off the traditional niceties, "umm, yeah, good job." chuckled, shook my hand. my one friend's husband compared me to bertold brecht. (ok, well, yes, i'll take a little undeserved flattery, of course.)

my teacher - my mentor - a woman who makes me want to stand up tall and shine - hugged me with tears in her eyes - "i am very proud of you right now."

but... the most amazing thing, perhaps, of it all - for the first time in years, after trudging thru the rigors of academia, bullshit jobs and whatnot, i got another glimpse of this thing - this essence - i remembered - what it feels like - to be doing exactly what you want - what you secretly dream about - and what you have this nagging feeling you were put on the planet to do. it's over - for now - but i still woke up last night - repeating lines from the 21 pages of script - wondering - so where can this go now?????