the middle...

so i spend a good portion of my day today... in yoga-land, as i like to refer to it. spreading out my little green acre of rubber solace, taking over the living room floor...and i start... sun salutations, vinyasas, arm-balancing, handstands... referencing various videos, books & journals... all for what you may ask? well.... for one, yes one, hour-and-a-half long class.. taught by yours' truly this evening. time spent preparing you say? well..... a while, let me just reply. money earned from said venture? best not to think about it. happy faces & warm words of gratitude received... not to mention echoes of my current favorite adjective "lovely" tossed in my direction... 3.
i look back on the months, years, hopes & dreams espoused in this, my meandering diatribe, and i think, wait! how did i get here? like the song... "this is not my beautiful house! this is not my beautiful wife!!!!" you start off with grand ideas on what, or who,you are to be in this great walk of life.. and sometimes you get thrown down a long loophole, or detour. my little prima-donna ego screams... I AM AN ARTIST DAMNIT!!! and yet...
sometimes we must takes these long roads... these winding & thoroughly unplanned journeys of the soul, travel all the boundaries of the great landscape of this body, this life, this peanut-glistening mind.... in order to find ourselves back in that gooiest of gooey centers.. the heart, and all its lovely wants, dreams & desires... yes, sometimes I think you must wander away for a moment, catch a clearer picture of that jewel you hold dear.. for me that role... that life - of the artist - theater, dance, music, the written word, what-have-you.. this is the dream that beckons to me again & again...Yoga Instructor.. never did I think those words might come to dominate my time, my thoughts, my life thus.. but maybe.. just maybe..
before you are able to fully walk back, swim if you must... and fully inhabit the spot in this universe which is truly, wholly, god-bless-it, mother-lovingly.. YOURS... you must acquaint yourself with the boundaries of this life... cultivate the quiet soil that surrounds you before you return, jubilant, rooted, ready... and plant yourself once more.. at the very center... of YouR LiFE.

...in the dark...

a wise word from my teacher this week.... sitting in a circle with this group of very healthy, very bright, very through-and-through yogic women.... we do cleanses, we meditate, we sign off e-mails with words like blessings & "with much light"... we can balance on our hands and chant to shiva....

and in the midst of this, knee-deep in some esoteric indic philosophy.. my teacher says this.... that we must sometimes journey into the darkness... settle there for a moment even.. for it is from the darkness that the light emerges...
if we are ever pushing towards this "light" - those heady feelings of bliss, connectedness, beauty, contentment, joy... we must also be willing to explore its counter as well... for how can one know bliss without sorrow? know the depth and boundlessness of human joy if we have not first met our deepest sadness... if one has not known pain, how can one then rejoice in that miraculous moment when, at last, the pain has lifted.. and the wound has healed...
and for someone such as myself... one who knows the weight of melancholy... this deep, lingering shadow, forever etched on the walls of the house in which i dwell.. any house... it doesn't matter.. for someone like me... so acquainted with the dark... like my own skin... these.. THESE... are the words..
i am so needing to hear.