Monday, June 6, 2011

...hello old chum...


well, it must needs be said... today. i feel like shit. utter, smelly, composting heap 'o crap. in addition to my newfound running regime (makin' sweet, sweet daily love to my new friend the treadmill...) and the lovely northwest weather (wool sweaters in june?!?!? FUH REALZ?!?!?) i have decided, in typical, amy-fashion, i might add, that if one good turn deserves another.. in this case.. one turn should equal.. three! haha.....

sooo... as an added bonus to this lovely health kick may i introduce door # 1...
http://omshalayoga.com/the-yogi-purifying-cleanse ...
7 days of wheatgrass, sprouted quinoa, herbal tea &, oh goody, kombu-enemas... which has got me feeling well.. err... at the very least just pissed. or at least my body is... as if it seems to say.. ya know, hun, if you were gonna start implementing all this physical activity you might at least dangle a friggin' carrot (i.e. cup of coffee & some chocolate!!!) at the end of this rope.. just for morale, if nothing else. sheesh.

i have also, equally wisely as you can imagine, decided in the midst of this to expand my yoga practice.. more classes, more arm-balances, more time spent in the company of lithe 4% body fat little gumbys who do ... absolutely NADA... to remind me of my own inner brightness.. value.. and beauty. Blah.

so on the way into the grocery store today it seemed appropos that i should find, bright & glistening on the wet pavement, not one but Two, shiny pennies.. one heads-up.. the good luck variety, eh? and the other... you guessed... its' shiny tail-end mooning up at me to say ha! and hello. and so i scooped them both up, exhaustedly, smirking.. I get it. I get it. for while the valley lacks both the scenery and imagination to make my spirits soar... (instead perhaps to plummet).. i acknowledge its necessity.... its placement..

so in ending i quote from a soul more wise & poetic than i.. From Khalil Gibran...
..."Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
... they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. ....

and so i breathe.. and so it is...

Friday, June 3, 2011

...a deux...


so i'm following this book....http://www.amazon.com/Nonrunners-Marathon-Guide-Women-Training/dp/1580052053/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1307119714&sr=1-1#_ ... technically.... mostly cuz of the charts. i love charts (and loathe them in equal measure,truth be told.) but she's got this really lovely week-by-week,day-by-day training schedule for the newly reformed couch potato. (another less-than-scintillating factoid..i am,in fact,not the aforementioned couch-dwelling root vegetable.well. not all the time. i work. i do yoga. i am scant weeks away from balancing on my hands in the middle my living room...any day now! i can feel it!!! but there are definitely some nice,languid gaps in between vigorous physical activity you might say...) ...
so... for the girl who is often prone to decide after months of inertia to,oh,i dunno decide..."hey! who's up for an 8-mile uphill jog?!?" Yay!!! which i will,in fact, enjoy immensely....and which will subsequenly send me sailing right back to that happy,ass-grooved spot on the sofa for a few more days (or weeks) of unplanned,err,restoration... ahhh... yes.
...and so... the chart.. for the last thing this lady wants when she's taking on a brand new endeavor is to have to painstakingly lay the groundwork for said endeavor. a harbinger i am not.. while i applaud the entrepenaurial impulse in others,i myself am disinclinced to jettison out my trusty pocket knife, whittle down an old-growth redwood with the will and callous of my own bare hands...and re-invent the friggin' wheel... when my beloved bookstore has a lovely assortment of them... of varying grains & colors for me to choose from... all shining and new... ready to roll on home to my humble abode.
so.
week 1~ 5days a week with rest days built in. yes.and yes. ...
Tuesday begins this maiden voyage,you might say with 35. yes, gentle,unimpressed reader... 35 Minutes of jogging. same on wednesday ,with a cross-training day on thursday (do a few sprinklings of downward facing dog throughout the day qualify???) ...with THE BIG GUNS,, err.. Runs... coming out to play like slobbering,menacing dogs on the weekend. we'll start you off with a whimpering schnauzer. a mere 45 minute saunter,if you please... pay at the window....
and so..my glittering journey into the great,blue beyond continues... slowly. ant-like. composted food morsel by morsel...the hive is built.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

...commencement...


day 1. of what i am referring to as the "temple" project.. as in... your body is your temple, that old adage.. and really i am excited. because here i am. 29.
... and i find the past 10-15 years of my life i have managed to thoroughly explore the other end of the spectrum... "body as carnival ride..." or.."ill-advised science experiment"... or perhaps, less politely.. body as "garbage heap". come! toss whatever you may in me! i can take it! eating disorders! substance abuse! lousy boyfriends and random sexual partners! let 'er rip! woo-hoo!!!

sheesh. and one wonders why one does not always feel one's brightest nor best. so. i thank thee. late teens and early twenties. for showing me thoroughly, completely, unabashedly the extents to which i can push my body, my spirits, my psyche... and still emerge relatively unscathed, unbattered... still whole. some how.

and so here we are. day one. cuz what would it feel like? to really take care of this little vessel 'o mine? nourish it in every possible way... my thoughts, my food, each action taken... how brightly can a thing shine? how loud & clear can the damn bell ring? i aim to find out. so. today.

5 times around (with my trusty little mutt =)the little loop trail that encircles my forested home. 30 minutes. a scant bit more than 2 miles. (a record-maker i am not.) no coffee. just tea. lots of vegetables & a teeth cleaning to boot! woo-hoo! so like a teetering soul just new to recovery i breathlessly remind myself...
one step at a time.. one step at a time... and hopefully.. the journey from an aimless pile of bricks... to a thing of hallowed beauty is not... so very.. far. ...

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

..in literal translation...


5 months!!! how could it be?!!!? my beloved,oft-neglected little bit 'o cyberspace. ....
and so it is. here i find myself, scant time later... wanting to take this whole scha-bang into a somewhat different direction... literally, figuratively... always one for the "big ideas", lofty ambitions, head lacksidasically peering thru the clouds while maintaining only the most meager connection to the ground below, i find it time to shift gears. ....
howso you ask? easy. for the next nine months (nope. sorry to disappoint folks. empty oven remains. =) i shall be devoting these pages to the very real placement of my feet, one in front of the other, endless-gauntlet like in order to meet the more earthbound goal of (drumroll please...) participating in this little baby...
http://hilomarathon.org/
......... 9 months. 26.2 miles. and it seems a rather fitting 30th birthday present to myself ( february 28th but, hell, who's asking?=) so... beginning manana to be exact... june 1st.... follow the very real highs and lows of this little misadventure... if you dare.... to see just where exactly... these feet of mine.. may carry me.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

the middle...


so i spend a good portion of my day today... in yoga-land, as i like to refer to it. spreading out my little green acre of rubber solace, taking over the living room floor...and i start... sun salutations, vinyasas, arm-balancing, handstands... referencing various videos, books & journals... all for what you may ask? well.... for one, yes one, hour-and-a-half long class.. taught by yours' truly this evening. time spent preparing you say? well..... a while, let me just reply. money earned from said venture? best not to think about it. happy faces & warm words of gratitude received... not to mention echoes of my current favorite adjective "lovely" tossed in my direction... 3.
i look back on the months, years, hopes & dreams espoused in this, my meandering diatribe, and i think, wait! how did i get here? like the song... "this is not my beautiful house! this is not my beautiful wife!!!!" you start off with grand ideas on what, or who,you are to be in this great walk of life.. and sometimes you get thrown down a long loophole, or detour. my little prima-donna ego screams... I AM AN ARTIST DAMNIT!!! and yet...
sometimes we must takes these long roads... these winding & thoroughly unplanned journeys of the soul, travel all the boundaries of the great landscape of this body, this life, this peanut-glistening mind.... in order to find ourselves back in that gooiest of gooey centers.. the heart, and all its lovely wants, dreams & desires... yes, sometimes I think you must wander away for a moment, catch a clearer picture of that jewel you hold dear.. for me that role... that life - of the artist - theater, dance, music, the written word, what-have-you.. this is the dream that beckons to me again & again...Yoga Instructor.. never did I think those words might come to dominate my time, my thoughts, my life thus.. but maybe.. just maybe..
before you are able to fully walk back, swim if you must... and fully inhabit the spot in this universe which is truly, wholly, god-bless-it, mother-lovingly.. YOURS... you must acquaint yourself with the boundaries of this life... cultivate the quiet soil that surrounds you before you return, jubilant, rooted, ready... and plant yourself once more.. at the very center... of YouR LiFE.

Friday, December 3, 2010

...in the dark...


a wise word from my teacher this week.... sitting in a circle with this group of very healthy, very bright, very through-and-through yogic women.... we do cleanses, we meditate, we sign off e-mails with words like blessings & "with much light"... we can balance on our hands and chant to shiva....

and in the midst of this, knee-deep in some esoteric indic philosophy.. my teacher says this.... that we must sometimes journey into the darkness... settle there for a moment even.. for it is from the darkness that the light emerges...
if we are ever pushing towards this "light" - those heady feelings of bliss, connectedness, beauty, contentment, joy... we must also be willing to explore its counter as well... for how can one know bliss without sorrow? know the depth and boundlessness of human joy if we have not first met our deepest sadness... if one has not known pain, how can one then rejoice in that miraculous moment when, at last, the pain has lifted.. and the wound has healed...
and for someone such as myself... one who knows the weight of melancholy... this deep, lingering shadow, forever etched on the walls of the house in which i dwell.. any house... it doesn't matter.. for someone like me... so acquainted with the dark... like my own skin... these.. THESE... are the words..
i am so needing to hear.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

bastante...


this morning iwoke up to one 'a those days.... the ground was tinged with fog and dampness from the night before. a chill seemed to penetrate the still, "summer" morning. i awoke with the knowledge of the tasks that lay before me - a yoga class i was, as of yet, unprepared to teach - plus a middle back so stiff from work and an oversoft mattress i doubted my ability to do much in that arena.. at all. friends, family, house, dogs, car..... the over-brimming bowl of neverending to-dos that seems to greet me 'round every waking turn.

i woke up with that overwhelming feeling that today - as i am - i'm simply not enough. i need a cuppa' coffee, screw it, i need seven! i need a team of helpers, little elves and willing gelflings who throng to do my bidding - and my laundry. I want so much. I want a life that is full & brimming - and I want to bask in this fullness always. And sometimes I do. gleefully, swimmingly - full.

and then there's those lonesome, foggy saturdays...

i love the word in spanish... "bastante"... there's a lilting, gracious quality that the english equivalent simply does not match. Bastante... the word means enough. as in, what you are, where you are, right here in this moment, all messy, tired, aching spine of you- is enough. you may not have everything you want nor desire in this current frame, but rest assured... bastante... there is just enough.. of everything you need.

i get so friggin' busy micro-managing my thoughts, my time, my life... i need to recognize the gift - of quiet, of still - of humble satiety - that awaits me - each time i can just release the reigns enough to listen... that sweet, melodic tune that greets me like the sound of a soft hammock swaying sweetly in the breeze... Bastante... be quiet. rest. you are just exactly where you ought to be.. no need to push, to struggle, to do... you are beautifully, mercifully - Enough.